It’s no secret that stable, long-term relationships – whether with a spouse or with children – take a lot of work. But the payoffs are more than worth it. There are ways of communicating that ensure better, more enjoyable relationships.
Focus
We live in a highly distracted age. It’s not uncommon to see couples at a restaurant glancing at their cell phones, texting, or surfing social media during dinner. But while we’re busy keeping up with all of the other people in our lives, we’re missing out on connecting with the person in front of us. Putting away the things that are distracting, and focusing on the immediate conversation, goes a long way to communicate attentiveness – literally and emotionally.
Listen
Make an effort to be an active listener. Ask questions that probe deeper. Reflect back what you are hearing, including any emotions you sense underneath the words. Allow silence between your comments and questions to encourage the other person to speak up.
Enjoy
Talk about fun stuff, too – not just school (with the kids), or the kids (with your spouse). Connect with them by bringing up topics that interest you both – a TV show you enjoy watching together, or a new fact you learned that they would appreciate.
Appreciate
Make a point of noticing when the other person does something you appreciate. Be specific about which attributes, attitudes or actions you value about them.
When conflict arises:
- Don’t be afraid to inject humor to lessen the tension. But try not to direct it at the person with whom you are arguing.
- Avoid being defensive. Seek to understand the other person’s perspective. Refrain from leveling criticisms at others; instead, share concerns rationally and unemotionally. Relationship expert John Gottman identifies both defensiveness and criticism as behaviors that are corrosive to relationships.
- Demonstrate affection – a gentle touch, a kind look, an endearing word (even when you aren’t feeling affectionate) can diffuse heated emotions. It’s a reminder that you are for each other and not against.
Good relationships are key to a happy life. Communicate well to keep them healthy.
